A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
nature’s most graceful animal
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options