A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.