Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys