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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.