me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
North and South
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Festive toon…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.