If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.