My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You Might Also Like
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I am HOWLING at this
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
😜
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…