Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I beg your pardon?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.