[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
You Might Also Like
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.