Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I saw nothing
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
that de-escalated quickly
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.