Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You Might Also Like
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.