Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The Sun
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three