“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The Weeknd is back
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited