[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th