My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.