You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
stop
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…