We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Jurassic park gets weird
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.