Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From