Got him!
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease