Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
You Might Also Like
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!