I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks