Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.