It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
You Might Also Like
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Always the camel, never the toe.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.