Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Trying
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.