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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else