[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
😎 🍻
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no