“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
When I snag the last meatball.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.