Are you ok, human???
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body