can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I’m not lazy
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.