The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.