Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.