My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
You Might Also Like
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
#Caturday
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.