Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Merry Christmas
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*