Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!