I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
won’t smith
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I know this now 😂
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker