“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
You Might Also Like
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If only.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.