Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
decorating my apartment
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: