4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].