COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.