Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.