My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person