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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.