how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.