forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You Might Also Like
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
March 16
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.