[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.