Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash