When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Goodnight 🐶
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.