I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.