hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶