her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans